Friday, July 18, 2008

Harbored Love and Knocking on Death's Door

Do you remember my initial adventure with Yoga?
Let me remind you of my annoyance with having to breathe, people who don't wear socks and all the ridiculous sex moves that had ridiculous animal names.
Yeah, well, almost a dozen classes have passed and yesterday I tried something new- Ab Lab.
Oh my God- it was hell.
No, literally, Im pretty sure I visited Hell. This is how I thought it would go-
Me stupidly thinking, "Hey, Al Brown, you've lost 95 lbs. Go to the Ab class because you are obsessive about flattening your stomach and you're fit now, so it won't be that hard."
Oh, silly, silly Ali.
This is how it really went-
I walked into the class with about 12 people already lying on their mats- half of them with a reason to be there, a quarter of them pretending that the 3 carrot sticks they had for lunch, "made me so bloated that I HAVE to do something about it!" and the other quarter wearing half shirts so that they could look at their stomachs after every move to, "See? I totally see my stomach flattening already!!" Idiots.
The only thing I noticed besides the annoying people were these things:
1. The fact that I will never be "that girl" who can breathe, smile, look hot and not sweat while working out- talk about a sport.
2. Cardio instructors are bitches. Poor girl, it was so not her fault. But, as soon as she walked in with her perfect outfit, great hair, perky voice and, "just breathe through the move, c'mon class, let's end on a tough one! You can do it!" (Please tell me you read that with a cheerleader voice?) I though, "I hate her."
As class proceeded (it was only 30 minutes), but as the slut teacher said, "Oops, we already are a minute late, we'll have to make that up!" I caught myself saying YOGA GIRL things!!!!!
Such as...
"That's not how we breathe in Yoga." or when the teacher says, "Arch your back up and head down, then back down, behind out, head up" I thought, "Actually, that's called cat and cow in yoga."
GASP!!!!! Can you believe I was turning cardio into yoga??!! What is wrong with me?I HATE yoga. It's so hard, and a pain in my ass and I can't bend and breathe and "love my body as a temple" and "Namaste"everyone. And in ab lab you keep your shoes on and people are rude, so you don't have to talk to them, but I missed yoga!!!
In yoga time flies. It's like it doesn't exist.
In Ab Lab, I look at the clock every three minutes and enter a fit of laughter when the girl next to me says, "Fucking shit" after every new set of ab work, but she doesn't laugh with me. (In yoga, they would laugh. Then they'd shut up for the rest of class, but still they'd laugh.)
There was no great 15 minutes of stretching and every time the bitch told me to breathe I couldn't do it because I'd be in some awkward ass position with my leg in the air and my "abs contracted" and my arm around my head doing a push up and my eyes focused and my breathing centered on the pain (the pain is everywhere!!!). Well, really that would mean my face looked like a tomato, my eyes were popping out of my head and I was about 0.5 cm- instead of 2 inches- (I'm not Jesus) off the ground because I was dying.
Oh, oh, oh aaaaand- she had the nerve to call the "Child's Pose" the sit back position. Excuse me????!!!! It was a classic Child's Pose- duh.
So, apparently, I suck at Ab Lab, and I'm secretly in love with yoga.
I know, Yoga and peanut butter with Oreos- who would have thought?


Claire said...

omg hahahaaha that is quite possibly the funniest post you've ever entertained us with! The girl didnt LAUGH?! What is THAT about? Jeeeez.


Kate said...

Who are you and what have you done with my sister??? Liking all these things you said you never would.... Hmmmm.